While Falling
by babyphoenix
Summary: Spoiler for OotP. Sirius's thoughts as he falls through the veil. SBRL, if you tilt your head sideways and squint hard enough.


Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all it's characters obviously do NOT belong to me. Do you think I'd kill of Sirius if it did? Damnit. (the first few lines are from the book too.)  
  
A/N: my reaction after reading Order, mainly being: What the F***?! Damnit, Sirius is dead, and I am majorly pissed off. I cannot impress on anyone the anger inside of me now. Read, and get ready to be depressed.  
  
***  
  
Sirius ducked Bellatrix's jet of red light: he was laughing at her.  
  
"Come on then, you can do better than that!" Sirius yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.  
  
The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest.  
  
The triumphant smile on his face froze as pain blossomed and scorched through his nerves. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as his thoughts pulsed through his head.  
  
"Hit?"  
  
His widened eyes fixed on Bellatrix Lestrange as he started falling, backwards.  
  
"I've been hit?"  
  
The thought was incredulous, indignant almost. Yet, even as he fell, he saw the desperation on Bellatrix Lestrange's face decay into a slowly dawning smile.  
  
Sirius tried to raise his wand, to curse the foul woman standing before him. Sirius Black was NOT going out without a fight. . .  
  
--but found he couldn't. He felt his wand, warm in his hands, but couldn't move his hands at all. He remembered a million spells and hexes calling and echoing in his head, but the words would not reach his tongue.  
  
"I can't die."  
  
A small eternity passed as he fell and fell and fell. His mind was blank and suddenly dying didn't seem so bad after all. After struggling, for so long, after being alone, and sad. . . One thought jerked him back to reality.  
  
"Harry."  
  
Sirius wanted to at least glimpse his godson one last time, maybe have a few last words. . . But the pain that had started from his chest had blanketed his mind, and now each heartbeat coursed pain through his entire body.  
  
"Don't I get to see my life flashing before me or something?" Sirius joked hopelessly, silently in his head.  
  
*  
  
"-and this is little Harry James Potter!" declared Lily, as she entered the kitchen, holding the sleeping baby in her arms with fierce pride. Sirius and Remus stopped chatting as James got up and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek, before taking Harry into his own arms. Sirius smiled at the scene.  
  
"Sirius," James said, looking oddly serious and amused at the same time. "Come here."  
  
Sirius obediently got up from his place at the table. James looked at Sirius with eyes that shined with emotion. "I want you to be Harry's godfather."  
  
Sirius was silent as James carefully deposited baby Harry into his arms, yet he felt like a dam of happiness in his heart broke and he was drowning in happiness. The war didn't matter. Voldemort didn't matter. All that mattered was that soft summer sun shone into the warm kitchen that smelt of sweet bread, Remus was laughing, James was smiling and Lilly was crying. Sirius sort of felt like crying, too. Instead, he looked to the baby in his arms.  
  
"He looks like you, Prongs." He said softly, as Harry began to wake. "Just like you."  
  
Baby Harry opened his emerald green eyes and for the first time, saw his godfather. He smiled.  
  
"Welcome, Harry."  
  
*  
  
"You shouldn't let yourself get bullied like that," said Sirius, offering a hand to the pale, skinny boy with cool grey eyes who was looking up at his and James, slightly confused.  
  
"Yeah, it's pretty unfair on those Slytherins, 'cause they have to answer to us when they bully one of our own," smiled James.  
  
The boy was still in slight shock at being rescued by James Potter and Sirius Black, only two months into school and already the most infamous pair of first years.  
  
"I'm Sirius Black," said Sirius softly, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. And Remus Lupin took his hand, with a still shocked, confused and shy smile that made him want to grin.  
  
*  
  
"Sirius!"  
  
A thin high voice called him. Sirius hurriedly pulled out the two-way mirror that he kept in his pocket. Immediately he saw James looking back at his, tears coursing down his face, a pale mess. "Prongs?"  
  
"Sirius-he knows. He's coming here. He's coming here."  
  
It took Sirius a second to realize what James was saying. Shock hit him like a blow to his gut. "I will kill Pettigrew."  
  
"Sirius. . . what should I do. . ." Sirius was at a lost as his best friends looked at him through a mirror, desperate for help.  
  
"Get Lilly and Harry out of the house. You too, get to safety. I'm coming. Wait for me, James. Please, wait for me."  
  
"Oh god, Sirius, he's here." James's face turned away from the mirror. "Lilly, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off-"  
  
*  
  
"What do you reckon this is, eh?" asked Sirius, nodding to the small glass cube he held in his hands. He shook it lightly, it's dull gleam seeming to clear somewhat.  
  
James hissed irritably. "Keep your voice down, we don't need to be found hanging out in some unknown classroom while skiving off potions."  
  
"Again," Remus added mildly.  
  
"Honestly, Moony, sometimes I swear you don't approve of our skipping classes like this," said Sirius absently, still observing the glass cube. "Look, I see something in here. But it's not clear, there's some kind of mist. . ." Sirius frowned and shook the cube more.  
  
James looked over his shoulder. "Looks pretty clear to me. Are you sure it isn't just a block of green glass?"  
  
"Huh? Green? What are you, colourblind? It's black. And there's a veil-y thing in the way, but I can see stuff in there. Yeah, I see people - hang on, I think they're dueling-hang on, that's me!" Sirius looked up and grinned at James. "Do you think that this cube can tell the future?"  
  
"What, you think you're going to be a world famous duelist?" asked Remus, amused.  
  
"In his dreams," laughed James. "World famous idiot is more like it. Anyhow, if it does show the future, it's probably gonna show him getting his hide whipped in a duel."  
  
"Nah, won't happen, I'm invincible," said Sirius, still peering at the cube. "Hey, look Prongs, I think you're here too!" then he turned to James puzzled. "Since when do you have green eyes?"  
  
"I don't, you dimwit."  
  
*  
  
Sirius shook with anger and grief as he held his godson in one arm and James's lifeless body in the other. "I told you to wait for me, you idiot!" He whispered harshly.  
  
*  
  
Sirius's back git the floor and he felt himself slipping. suddenly there were so many memories, and they were burying him. He wanted to let go, but he couldn't, at the same time. Who would take care of Harry? How would the Order cope, with one less member? How would the war turn out? How would Remus be, alone, again? Sirius's heart broke with each thought, and made him want to push through the veil and get back to the fight.  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
He heard Harry shouting.  
  
"SIRIUS!"  
  
Or was it James? It got harder and harder to tell the difference between those two. He struggled to get up, but could not.  
  
"Sirius."  
  
"James?"  
  
*  
  
"Padfoot, what do you reckon happens after we die?" mused James one summer afternoon by the lake. The sunlight reflected off the water face, making it shimmer like a bright jewel. The school year was going to end soon, and they would have to part.  
  
"I don't know, Prongs."  
  
"You think there's a heaven and a hell?"  
  
"Probably."  
  
James was silent for a while, before saying, "Damn."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Then I guess there's no way we'll be going to heaven then?" grinned James.  
  
"Oh I don't know about that. We're pretty decent fellows. Besides, if we ever got bored of hell, I'm pretty sure we could charm our way out of hell and into heaven if we wanted to." Sirius smiled, his hair flopping over his face. James reached over a pushed it out of the way.  
  
"Aah, but I'm not so sure I could charm my way into heaven without your good looks," said James jokingly.  
  
Sirius laughed. "You'll just have to wait for me, then, won't you?"  
  
"I'll wait for you," promised James, still smiling. "It'll be no fun in heaven without you anyway. I'll wait."  
  
***  
  
A/N: That's it. I'm going to go to school tomorrow and I freaking WON'T CRY. Please review. 


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